Realisation

So, it's May already. Where did April go? I spent much of it writing, but that's not what I'm going to talk about here.

I don't think of myself as an insecure person but I wonder now if I am.

I am 43 years old and I don't really have many friends at all. I'd say that I am friend poor. I have friends that I have absorbed through a process of osmosis by associating with other people, but they don't really count.

My wife: She has loads of friends. I have maybe one or two of my own. They don't seem that interested in me. They like me because I come with Jane but if we weren't together they probably wouldn't give me the time of day.

My best girlfriend: She is embarassed to introduce me to her friends and family. Who can blame her? She did once and I made a fool of myself. I was so keen on impressing them - I wanted to make my friend look good - that I acted like a jerk and made a mess of it all.

My best male friend: He has a rich friend who he jealously guards. It's as if he wants to keep that world seperate from mine. It's his friend and he won't share. Who can blame him? I'd probably mess that up too.

Outwardly I'm an intelligent, funny, charming guy. Deep down I find a way to mess things up. It's a strange realisation when you're 43 to find out that you have no friends, you can't make them, deep down you are unlikeable... I mean, why else would I have no friends? It's not them - it must be me. I find myself asking why anyone likes me.

I wish I was one of those guys who could just made friends in a heartbeat, go out and socialise and be the life and soul of the party. I like to tell myself I am a writer because I am shy and make worlds come alive on paper. Deep down I suspect I am just insecure, a pain in the ass and, basically, a fool.

I am going to type all this personal stuff here and I bet no one will even read it. I have no friends. I am not significant. None of this matters. I could die, like one of those old people who lie undiscovered for weeks or months, and no one would really notice.

PS I did some script work. I am wracked with self-doubt about it.

Tonight I am going to sit home alone. Even my daughter has a sleep over. My few friends are busy. My wife is out. I am alone.